Jekyll and Hyde Bullying

Last year, my agency was part of an all day educational seminar at a local middle school, in which community professionals presented on various topics to the students. The topics covered life skills, mental health, and other issues the school administration deemed important.  I was given the task to present on bullying. I would give the same talk 8 times that day. Needless to say, I think I should've had some CEUs on bullying coming my way, but oh well. 

In the initial presentation, I asked the students, by a show of hands, if they had been bullied.  The second time around, it dawned on me, and I followed that question by asking who had also bullied. Every class provided interesting yet similar results.  Students would raise their hands both times. Victim and bully, the same kid. Why would somebody do that to someone when they know the fear, humiliation, and anxiety it can cause? 

Then I came across this article, and it provided some affirmation for what I could only hypothesize. The statistics for the Bully-Victim are astounding. Anyone coming in contact with kids, whether it be as a parent, educator, counselor, what have you, needs to be aware of the family dynamics that could be motivating the behavior. Furthermore, are we aware of the potential safety threat in the home of the bully and Bully-Victim?  Please take the time to read the brief article attached. 

http://tinyurl.com/3bwuaqq

Bully-Victims are: 

• More than 3 times likely to report being physically hurt by a family member

• More than 3 times likely to witness family violence 

• More than 3 times likely to report seriously considering suicide and/or intentionally injuring themselves 

With bullying on the forefront, it's important to look beyond the scope of the individual as well as eliminate the black and white thinking in terms of bully vs. victim. 

Just my 2, maybe 3...cents worth ;)

Do we need a dunce cap?

At what point do we stop playing? I mean really playing? Uninhibited, undeterred, and free. At my agency, we transport most our clients. The pre and post session car ride adds an interesting facet to the therapy session. When we get to the parking lot, several of my little clients look for cars, glance at me, and then race to my car. The glance at me is sometimes a taunt, at others an invitation. "Come play, run, race!" Which I do. However I am not in the moment like this child. And I should be.

Children show us, everyday, how to de-stress.  They paint, write, sing, and create for the pleasure of the creation and the activity. They play for the sake of play, not to burn calories and fat. They dream, simply to discover and enjoy the realm their imagination.  Not to fatten their wallet or plan an agenda.

As adults, we smile at the endearing acts and statements of children, yet dismiss them nonchalantly. We rarely consider the child as a teacher, and we should.  I am adding a link to Adora Svitak, a 12 year old who published a book at age 7.  She spoke at the TED conference, addressing the topic of reciprocal learning between adults and kids.  If you don't agree with me, take her word for it...I mean, how many 12 year olds do you know that go on lecture tours? :)  

http://tinyurl.com/y8s9v2w

 "We kids still dream about perfection. And that's a good thing because in order to make anything a reality, you have to dream about it first."  -Adora Svitak

Facing The Music

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent." 

-Victor Hugo

Music moves us all. It is part of our culture, our history, our own personal vibe. Today's teens will be annoyed with the music of tomorrow. Or at least a few will.  

My teen clients are encouraged to express themselves, to share their music (or anything) with me if they wish.  Some scan YouTube, others plug in their mp3 players. They nod their heads in rhythm, and check for my reaction out of the corner of their eye.  I maintain a "therapist's reaction" most of the time, but sometimes I let them know that the lyrics are tough to take.  Why?  Teens aren't idiots, if you don't react, they'll see right through you.

As a trade off, I also share my music. For many of my female teens, I compile a CD of songs to broaden their perspectives on gender, culture, race, and history.  And because I have a reputation to uphold, I keep the music pretty fresh. ;)

I assign it as homework, have the client listen to the songs, and we discuss the lyrics and their reaction to the music. I keep a copy with me to help the discussion.

This was something I tried to help promote self-worth, as well as increase a sense of history in a specific client. Loved it.  Here are a few of the songs I selected:

I Choose - India Arie

Coal War - Joshua James

Melody - Kate Earl

One Day - Matisyahu

She's Got Her Ticket - Tracy Chapman

I'm Feelin Good - Nina Simone

Shelter - Rolling Stones

It Takes A Village, People!

A short time ago, as I was waiting for one of my younger clients outside the school’s main entrance, I noticed a young boy throwing gang signs to a classmate on the bus.  Being a few feet away, I came up behind him and put my hand on his shoulder.  He was barely to my waist.  He quickly looked up, startled.  “Hey there,” I calmly said.  “C’mon man, there’s no need for that.  You don’t have to get into that kinda stuff.”  I smiled, attempting reassurance.  “It’s okay, you’re not in trouble, but what you’re doing, it’s not alright.”  The boy didn’t know what to say, still caught off guard by my interruption. 

A week or two later, I was telling a few colleagues about the incident.  Being that Rockford is a very low SES and gang-prevalent area, there were comments made (somewhat jokingly) that the boy will have someone come after me as a result. 

However, my reasoning for approaching him was simple.   Regardless of who we are, what we do, and where we live, we all have a stake in our community.   The days of the mom and pop stores are gone, and we no longer have the comfort of community “guardians” to keep us in line.  Classrooms are gaining students.  Parents are overworked and stressed, forced to multitask.   And that is if there are two parents.

As a therapist, I see firsthand the effects these stressors have on our youth.  As a citizen, I too am tempted to point the finger at the parent or guardian.  Or perhaps I should blame the teacher, since most of the children I work with spend the majority of their day in a Title I school.  These are the people who are not passing on the lessons to our youth, right?  Not so fast.

Unless you are a hobbit, or have somehow otherwise managed to avoid civilization, (which of course would make it incredibly odd for you to be reading this blog) then you are indeed a part of a community.  This isn’t about volunteering, which is tremendous and a necessity for the soul (in my opinion), but is about your role, duty, commitment, what have you, as a citizen of your community. 

Don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of people who make a habit of this, and do so on a much greater level than I do.  I am the first to raise my hand and admit that I miss opportunities.  It doesn’t take a monumental effort.  Pick up trash along a street.  Go to a park and shoot a ball around with kids.  Make conversation with people who seem lonely or sad.  For one day, hold the door open for anyone.  Paint over playground graffiti.  Bake some cookies for the homeless shelter.  Swing by the local Boys and Girls Club for some play time.

The youth in your community, your ENTIRE community, regardless of SES, race, ethnicity, beliefs, or culture, are in fact, YOUR youth.   They are a reflection of you.  As though they were your kids, grandkids, nieces/nephews, little sister or brother.  If we start viewing our community in this respect, perhaps we all would be a little more likely to take part.