Sowing Seeds of Play

I took a bit of a sabbatical from my blog :)

Looking back through my posts, I thought this one would be important enough to re-post.  We all have moments in our lives when we need to find our roots.  Whether that is spiritually, physically, mentally, or emotionally.  Of course, sometimes our roots have sprouted from seeds planted in soil which is not suitable for growth, leaving us with a false sense of stability.  Our flowers sure do look pretty, but underneath we are fragile and easily susceptible.  

At what point do we pull ourselves up from the ground and replant?  When do we realize that it is more important to plant the seed in good soil so our roots can support us, than it is to have the pretty flowers for all to see?

My reasons for this post, originally, was about using some basic concepts of play therapy in daily play with children to "plant a seed".  This still applies.  It is one of the principle reasons for which I am a therapist.  If I can be the one person in a child's life who accepts them unconditionally, after they have come to me having endured severe abuse, then I can possibly plant a seed of hope or doubt.  Hope that someone accepts them for who they are as a person.  Doubt that "everyone" dislikes them.  There is that seed that one person has accepted them unconditionally.  

However, I realized that this post and parable has always been important to me.  When we were scattered, where did we land? What do our roots look like?  Is it more important for our flowers to look pretty, even if the roots are brittle?  And maybe we our roots are strong, but it just is taking a long time for the flower to come out and bloom.  

I'm not going to change anything else in the post, so here goes:  
 
Although in this blog, I would like to keep religious views separate, I personally have always loved this parable:

³ Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. ⁴As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵ Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶ But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. ⁹ ~Matthew 13: 3-9

This week, I was given the opportunity to attend a banquet to honor foster parents and children who had excelled, in spite of the challenges placed before them. As the county judge read their accomplishments, their eyes lit up, they sat up straight, and my boss stated the overall sentiment perfectly, "Seeing that makes it all worth it."

I hold firmly in my belief that children are incredibly resilient. This is based on my time spent, the hours being there with my clients as we work through the trauma, sexual abuse, fear, anger, and uncertainty under the cloak of play. 

But it takes so much more.  A therapist doesn't have a magic wand.

Sometimes I come across foster parents, bio parents, guardians, teachers, etc, who are hesitant to follow a guideline I provide. I am aware of the strain they are already under, and my requests are minimal, proven, and uncomplicated. Moreover, I assure them I am there to see it through. Yet still there are those who see the scattered seeds and point the finger when they will not grow.

An old friend and coach told me, at one of many low points in my life, "Everyone has a story." My head went down. "No, you'll make it. The great ones always have the best stories of how it came to be. Go tell em your story."

Everyone has a story. Carl Rogers believed every person has an inner desire to be better, and in turn, even the most poorly behaved child wants to be heard. Every child wants to be the seed that is planted and cared for, yet it is so difficult for children to tell us (with words) the reasons behind their actions. That is why play, and play therapy, is so important to me and my focus of work with kids. It is the best way, as of yet, to allow kids to tell their story and be heard.

I would like to share, for those who aren’t familiar with the basics of child-centered play, some of the fundamentals of the theory.  These are simple skills that can be applied anytime, with any client actually.  

For those not working from a therapeutic angle, try them out with a niece or nephew, a grandchild, your child.  Anyone.  Make it a special time set aside.  You can honestly start with 20 minutes a week and witness the child begin to tell his or her story. 

If you are setting time aside, let the child know that he or she can, “Say anything they want and do ALMOST anything.  If there is something they cannot do, you’ll let them know.”

This way, you aren’t setting the limitations ahead of time.  Normally, no hitting, nothing pointed at the face.

 

Then, follow these basic guidelines:

• Refrain from giving advice
• Let the child lead the action and conversation
• Avoid using praise words, instead, reflect the child's emotion upon achievement
• Accept the child’s expressions, feelings and choices exactly as they are
• Allow the child to make the decisions and direct, and avoid providing instruction
• Again, set limitations that are necessary to maintain safety

Think of yourself as a play-by-play commentator watching a game in action.  Pay genuine attention to the child’s actions, expressions, and thoughts.  Then, simply try to mirror these, verbally and expressively, back to the child.

Here's a link to the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement for more info: 

http://www.nire.org/

The Forest Through The Trees

In a therapy session, when I find my mind drifting, I remind myself to focus on one thing. One thing the client is saying or doing. If I can center all my attention on one thing, even for a moment, it will pull me back in. And I am, again, attending to the client. I'm in their world.

The past month has been a challenge, personally, and I find my thoughts wandering in and out of session.  This happens to all of us. We are influenced and distracted by thoughts, emotions, fears, etc. on a daily basis. As employees, spouses, parents and friends. One of the philosophies of being a therapist is "know thyself". And as I am aware of a shift in my focus, I am once again reminded of this important mantra.

Without observing yourself, our perceptions of the life we are living and our sense of self is skewed. Our emotions take over, and our ability to remain self aware is greatly decreased. I was on a teeter-totter today, yes...a teeter-totter. And in between my moments terror at the thought of sending my little client shooting out of her seat like a rocket, I realized how "knowing thyself" is much like a teeter-totter. Emotions balanced with self awareness. Tough. A balance between well being and personal integrity. Even tougher!  I read in another blog..."Even if we’ve gone off the beaten track, once we’ve found ourselves, we may still be in the woods, but we’re no longer lost."  Being a sucker for analogies, I had to include it!

There are several ways to increase your self awareness and find your path, but mindfulness is (relatively) easy and can be done anywhere.  It's a process of open attention to the present. You let your thoughts, feelings, and sensations pass before you, observing them fully. The key is to be aware of them, not to judge them. When emotions (any emotion)  seem to be teetering too much in one direction, for a minute, a day or several days, mindfulness creates center and totters you back out.  Obviously, more practice makes perfect, but even a quick check-in can help you focus and possibly be the catalyst needed to change your situation.   

 

Here are examples of mindfulness:

 

Notice Five Things 

1. Pause for a moment
2. Look around, and notice five things you can see.
3. Listen carefully, and notice five things you can hear.
4. Notice five things you can feel in contact with your body. (E.g. your watch against your wrist, your trousers against your legs, the air upon your face, your feet upon the floor, your back against the chair etc)